Wednesday, June 26, 2013

It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright.

Unsure why Blogger (maybe?) deleted this post but I am re-posting it. ;)

 If you just scroll through the pictures in this post it would seem like a pretty vain post about hair. I was right in the middle of these silly thoughts and sinking farther into depression when I remembered, 


Sometimes I think I have postpartum depression but then I remember, I don't have a couple monther. I have nearly a 8 month old. So it can't be that. I just slip in and out of blue funks, which sounds a lot more interesting than it feels. I thought it might be partially, that I used to be a social butterfly. I was out almost every night until the wee hours of the morning eating cheesey fries and sippin' coffee at cheap diners with friends. Part of me misses those days in a little way, but that can't be the reason I slip into these blue spells of sorts. Because I remember, even when I had that freedom, I never felt 100%. I was always longing for something. A content heart. Completeness. Wholeness. I just never felt like I was completely in 1 piece. I was kinda just a rough draft of my whole self and I knew it.

 There was always Jared. My dear, boy crush who was "just my friend".  And then one night he called to tell me he was mine. Pshhhhh. I can't even tell you how awesome that  felt. 

Being with Jared helped a lot, but even after we were married there was this weird part of me missing; a compass or a guide or something. I couldn't put my finger on it. 

Hey  friends,  now we know what it was. De Lord and our good God yo.

 One starry night in the middle of our backyard both Jared and I really opened up our hearts to God. I felt like it was the first time I ever really, really  met Him. Before I just ignored Him. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't want to change who I was. I didn't want to give anything up for someone I wasn't sure was there. I didn't want to be one of those  Christian people, but that night I really opened up. We  really opened up, together. I realized God has always seen me for exactly who I was. Passed the hair dye, passed the cute leggings, passed the titles and labels I had given myself with or without realizing, passed my heavy ego and he knew who I was right in the core of my spirit. I also realized he loved me, and everyone. I WAS LIKE, WOAH*

So here I was this week thinking about cutting my hair off because I thought it would "make me happy" or feel unique or fill that hole I was feeling in that moment, when I remembered... It's not about the hair.  It's about living life, I mean, what a gift we have to be alive! So much went into this place that we take for granted. The smells, the colors, the ideas, the people, the feelings in our hearts, the friendships, the growing we do through trials... all of this! It's all awesome! I am so happy to be here.

I remember now! I remember my purpose.

Appearance is no big deal and I really can't stress that enough. It's not about what you wear or who you try to present yourself as. It's all about heart guys. It's all about heart.

God has blessed me with the perfect family for me  and for that, I am so thankful. So happy. So here, now.

"...When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you..."
- Isaiah 43: 2

It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright.
(Ten points if you know where that line is from without looking it up ;])

Thursday, June 20, 2013

So Long Springtime ...

Sorry this didn't get posted until Thursday! Teething slows everything down if you know what I mean. :) So before we get too deep into this post I will warn you, it contains a lot of random, make-up-less, baby, flowery, mismatching jib-jab and pictures. The thing is, that pretty much sums up this Spring. 

Once upon a time Father's Day landed on June 21st  (An old friends birthday) so I have it in my head that the 21st is the big day. I woke up the morning of the 16th and logged onto Facebook to see a bunch of old photos of my friend's dads. Oh. LLLLLAME. So I totally flunked Jared's first "Dad's day". I think he understood though. Growing up I never knew when Father's Day was because I didn't have a relationship with my dad so how was I supposed to know? The nice thing is, as an adult we are slowly getting to know each other and that is a good thing, I think. ;)

Above is a picture my Pops sent me of him and my little self. See where Onyx gets his roundy head? My sweet little Moonboy.  

Since it's been warmer out, it's been more fun to be into cloth diapers since I can line dry them outside. I must say though, I don't know how they did it years ago without the convenient snaps, inserts, and cute patterns (for encouragement ;]) not to mention a washer machine. My SIL took a 1 week cloth diaper/hand-washing challenge and I think she is a total champ for it. You didn't see me volunteering ;P She could explain the challenge so much better than I could, so you should just click her link if you're interested at Jessi and the Boys. (Aren't my nephews cutie patooties? She makes sweet ones.)

Why do I use clothies? I have a ton of reasons but let's keep it simple for ramblings sake. Firstly, cost. Initially cloth diapers are expensive but they pay for themselves in just a couple of months. (Fortunately for us, my lovely Auntie bought all of Onyx's. Bless her heart!) I don't want to spend thousands on diapers. No, no, no. If I had thousands to spend on things it certainly wouldn't be artificial poop holders. I'd buy a Jeep and a whole lot of leggings and maybe some spices, and maybe... anyway I wouldn't spend it on diapers. Secondly, no one even knows how long it takes for "sposies" aka disposables to decompose. It's thought that it could take anywhere from 250 - 500 years. I don't want to participate in that mess.

Genesis 2:15 Jehovah took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.

I know the world is already pretty messed up and filled with waste but why add to it? I guess I am trying and that is all I can really do! I wouldn't judge anyone who uses disposables however... Yes, they are easier in some  ways. I even put Onyx in them when he is sleeping or I would have to change him every two hours, even at night, and trust me, I am up with Moonboy enough during the night. Little stinker ;)
Onyx is officially "cruising" now. He is so proud of himself. Something that I've noticed about Onyx is once he's done something he is right to the next thing like, *boom*. If this carries on in his life I've worried that it might make him quite the terrifying daredevil with no attention span -OR- he might learn from his mistakes and become the most cautious kid ever. Who knows? I don't need to worry though.

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?
>True dat.<

Our gardens are doing splendidly. Water. Weed. Fertilize. Restart. All after Onyx goes to bed for the night with our headlamps on. More pictures soon!

^This is my "I work out." Outfit. I am really working my butt off... or up?  (I don't know how to phrase that exactly...)

Jared goes on walks with me almost every evening once he comes home from work. I love that man.

Jared ever so kindly let me take some of the photos from his phone for this and next week's posts. He is a better photographer of the little things than I am. I like me some people. That's where I shine in photoland.

Okay so here it is. I admit, baby fever is coming back and that is a fact. The good thing about that though is, right now and for a while I would rather have flat abs than a newborn. I still haven't worked off that baby belly. Vain? I think maybe that's not the point. Maybe it is? I don't think so. You see, where most girls (I used to be like this) want to be stick thin, I just want to be fit. I wanted to get back down to 120 pounds like I was in highschool but I did two Summers ago and I looked awful... aaaaaand I missed my boobs. That sucked. So fit it is. Even if I have an almost 8 month old crawling over me while I do crunches (And who cares, he thinks I am hilarious when I work out. Maybe it's the huffy-puffy faces?) I WILL DO IT! And babies. More babies later - adopted and not. (I am looking forward to that adventure!:D)

It's so amazing that these two ^ are my family. Jared, the sweet boy I fell held over heels for (have you ever wondered what that expression meant?) is holding our  little boy. Our little boy! I just love 'em!!!

This Spring was great. Mild weather, sunny skies, and a bizillion flowers were all something to be celebrated. Now forgive me if I totally FREAK OUT this Summer. I don't do hot. I hate hot! After last Summer being the hottest Summer of my life, all while incubating a super heater-baby in my belly I am freaked! I'll make it through though. It's either that or .... melt?

So here we are on the last day of Spring (and it's pouring out!) and I can't wait to see what adventures this Summer holds! I am going to have a walking baby!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Mama - Baby Date

We headed out of the house on a much needed adventure last week. It was a holiday of sorts- a mama baby holiday and on that day we did whatever we wanted. 

That included stopping at a baseball field because Onyx wanted to get out of his car seat. He loathes that thing. Many babies find it to be safe, peaceful place but not Onyx. He can't be tamed.

So we did some (I hold his hands) walking around the field. He stopped and stared at every logging truck, school bus and diesel engine vehicle that zoomed by. How does that happen by the way? How are you just born such a boy? Such a little man-boy? Jared and I have no interest in cars at all and it's just in  him. It's bizarre! He is also really big into super heros right now, more specifically, Superman. Why? How does he know  who Superman is? I guess we'll never understand. I'll just have to embrace it I suppose. At least he loves animals. Now that  I can do and understand. I love that he is different from us. It will help all of us grow.

Once he got a sufficient amount of wiggles out we headed for the mall. I've been wanting to find him a good sun-shading hat for a while now. Since he is a round (biggish) headed baby, (thanks to his big skulled dad ;] )I  have a harder time with this. 

Here we are in the mall's bathroom to wash our hands for lunch. I couldn't tell you why but that place scares the tears outta that ^ boy. Jared's best, most obvious answer was that the bathroom is located on an Indian burial ground. Yup, that must be it. 

Onyx's "adult" lunch. I only say it was an adult lunch because only adults should make the poor choice to only have cookies for lunch. He seemed to enjoy it though ;P 

There was really nothing on my veggie sammy that he would have liked, so I figured, cookies it is. Well, cookies and milk anyway...

Next we headed off to the kids play area. It's so cool that I can go to one of these with my little one now! I love being his mom!

I could not pry him from the circus mirror. As it warped his face into blobby shapes he kept giggling and reaching out to high five that goofy lookin' kid. 

...Did I say kid? I meant baby, I mean he still is a baby right? Kinda... It's leaving him though. I can see it. 

Next we went into a photobooth and got some pictures for Jared. I figured he could use it as a bookmark in a mushroom book or something. Thoughtful? Maybe. Fun? Yes.

Speaking of fun, how sweet is this? I just put him in and he started to drive! We never taught him that! Smarty McFarty Pants.

 We headed to Target (I could live there!) after we bought his new pirate ball cap. This picture makes me laugh. It looks like he has a giant twin. I could do that. I could have another, only if that baby was as lovely as this one. 

I also may or may not have started picking up birthday supplies for him. Seven months has gone by fast you know! His party is going to be Dr. Seuess's "The Lorax" themed. Lots of cotton candy and little bears will be involved. You have been warned ;)  

I am so glad we got out of the house. 

Joshua 1:19 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I Wanted A Freaky Friday

Part 1: Before the nap.

I didn't know this entire week what I was going to blog about this Wednesday. I woke up (if that's what you want to call it) and got this idea. It stressed me out a wee bit going the whole week with no post idea, but to be honest with you I have a huge other stress that over rules all other stresses making them seem >tiny<. I can't sleep. I haven't slept for 7 months (of baby life) + 6 months (the last 6 of pregnancy) = 13 months or 1 year and 1 month with almost no sleep. I'm not going to lie to you, I am losing it.

Dear Universe, please grant me a freaky Friday. 

Just for one day I would like to live Jared's life and he could live mine. Thank you.

Yesterday was a tough one with moonboy. We always have our great moments, even on bad days. We had some staring contests that made my heart melt. I love those little eyes. <3  At some point between the fussy fits in and out of the stroller my step-mom asked how the mobile life was going. That  is going splendidly. I love watching him army crawl too and fro through the house. It's so wonderful to see him feel so accomplished. Teething though? Teething is HARD. It's like mom life level 99. Baby settings suddenly  have changed from easy/medium to difficult. I looked up synonyms for difficult...

Synonyms: Back-breaker, burdensome, challenging, demanding, easier said than done, effortful, heavy, labored, not easy, strenuous, tough, trying, uphill, upstream and lastly, Herculean. 

Antonyms: calm, easy, free, manageable, plain, simple, uncomplicated. 

I miss those days,
and today I don't  feel "Herculean".

I am going to be honest with you right now. Onyx has NEVER been a good sleeper and I have started catching myself lying about it to people when they ask how he is sleeping. "Oh he's a great sleeper! Sleeps like a rock!" Why? Why lie? Because it's my fault. I can't let him cry. I just can't mentally do that. I also can't because Jared works hard for our family and has to wake up at 4:30 am and I want him to get some sleep. So what do I do? I take him out of his bed to quiet him by whatever means necessary.  Teething makes this horrible "system" 100,000 times worse. He is skipping naps throughout the day making him a mad, sad baby and then he wakes up every hour or more throughout the night. 

This mama is tired guys. I am so tired of being tired. I know it wont be like this forever, but I can't remember what it's like to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I need sleep, even Hercules slept.

Yesterday I left Jared with Onyx so I could grab some quick groceries and I felt horrible leaving since Onyx had been so emotional and upset most of the day. I left explaining to Jared everything he might need or want when I was gone and where his food was, what dance he might want to do with him ect. I halfway expected a frantic call 20 minutes in telling me I needed to come back. ... I got home and Onyx was fast asleep snuggled into Jared's arms. Apparently he was a breeze when I was gone. My face dropped. I wanted to get back into that car and just keep driving. How is it so easy for him? Why is Onyx only having such a hard time with ME?  

Part 2: After the nap.

Well as we can see, tired me is a little bit whinier than me who slept for a couple hours. You know what happened right after I wrote part 1? (Which I didn't intend to be in parts in the first place) Onyx woke up sobbing/mumbling "mama-mama-mama". So I plucked him from his bed. I prayed, "God, please help me with him today." I told him "We WILL  sleep right now." and I nursed him letting myself fall asleep not caring that he was in our bed or what time I would wake up. I meant business.

Jared left me two invaluable gifts this morning. #1. He left me with his famous words floating around in my head. "Be. Here. Now." So I changed my attitude. #2. He left us the car and had his friend pick him up for work. It's like Christmas in my head right now. I am going to get dressed right when I am done with this post, get Onyx snazzied up and we are going anywhere to have a Mama-Baby mini vacation. I am stoked. That is what I will post about next week. 

And you know what? I can do this. We have an exceptionally kind and smart baby. I'll just have to get a into system of things that work for us so we can sleep. Here is my prayer for this week, 

"Amazing God, I push you away constantly, but I need you. 
I know I do. Please help me remember you are always there for me, 
for Onyx and for our family. 
I ask for your guidance on motherhood since I feel so helpless today. 
I know you would help us with anything if we only asked. 
If you can create a universe, you can certainly help us sleep, to be better, 
kinder people honoring you. 
I thank you for Summer. I thank you for Spring, for the sky, 
for clean water and a safe home. 
Thank you for this day and I pray my actions honor you. "


PS. I really don't want to trade Jared. His job makes him wear thick clothes and gets him wet. That's my biggest phobia - getting stuck in wet clothes. ... I'd way rather be me. Plus, I wouldn't want the beard. Oh happy day. I'm glad I'm a stay-with-baby mom.

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