Wednesday, June 26, 2013

It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright.

Unsure why Blogger (maybe?) deleted this post but I am re-posting it. ;)

 If you just scroll through the pictures in this post it would seem like a pretty vain post about hair. I was right in the middle of these silly thoughts and sinking farther into depression when I remembered, 


Sometimes I think I have postpartum depression but then I remember, I don't have a couple monther. I have nearly a 8 month old. So it can't be that. I just slip in and out of blue funks, which sounds a lot more interesting than it feels. I thought it might be partially, that I used to be a social butterfly. I was out almost every night until the wee hours of the morning eating cheesey fries and sippin' coffee at cheap diners with friends. Part of me misses those days in a little way, but that can't be the reason I slip into these blue spells of sorts. Because I remember, even when I had that freedom, I never felt 100%. I was always longing for something. A content heart. Completeness. Wholeness. I just never felt like I was completely in 1 piece. I was kinda just a rough draft of my whole self and I knew it.

 There was always Jared. My dear, boy crush who was "just my friend".  And then one night he called to tell me he was mine. Pshhhhh. I can't even tell you how awesome that  felt. 

Being with Jared helped a lot, but even after we were married there was this weird part of me missing; a compass or a guide or something. I couldn't put my finger on it. 

Hey  friends,  now we know what it was. De Lord and our good God yo.

 One starry night in the middle of our backyard both Jared and I really opened up our hearts to God. I felt like it was the first time I ever really, really  met Him. Before I just ignored Him. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't want to change who I was. I didn't want to give anything up for someone I wasn't sure was there. I didn't want to be one of those  Christian people, but that night I really opened up. We  really opened up, together. I realized God has always seen me for exactly who I was. Passed the hair dye, passed the cute leggings, passed the titles and labels I had given myself with or without realizing, passed my heavy ego and he knew who I was right in the core of my spirit. I also realized he loved me, and everyone. I WAS LIKE, WOAH*

So here I was this week thinking about cutting my hair off because I thought it would "make me happy" or feel unique or fill that hole I was feeling in that moment, when I remembered... It's not about the hair.  It's about living life, I mean, what a gift we have to be alive! So much went into this place that we take for granted. The smells, the colors, the ideas, the people, the feelings in our hearts, the friendships, the growing we do through trials... all of this! It's all awesome! I am so happy to be here.

I remember now! I remember my purpose.

Appearance is no big deal and I really can't stress that enough. It's not about what you wear or who you try to present yourself as. It's all about heart guys. It's all about heart.

God has blessed me with the perfect family for me  and for that, I am so thankful. So happy. So here, now.

"...When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched, nor will the flame kindle upon you..."
- Isaiah 43: 2

It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright.
(Ten points if you know where that line is from without looking it up ;])

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