Awkward

Hi. I'm Challice and I'm awkward.

And I don't mean the awkward thing  that kids aim for these days. I mean, I babble. I say the wrong things at the worst times. I'm just awkward, but I'm working on it.

At my parent in-law's house I wasn't feeling too great. (I wish to permanently be healthy for the rest of this year *****<---- Magic... Oooooh.) I had just gotten done nursing Onyx to sleep. I stepped into the kitchen and my sister and mother in law were in there. Mom said "You don't look very good." I know it's silly because she was commenting on my health but for some reason it cut deeper. My award winning awkward response, "Oh I look gooOoOod!" I guess I was hoping to get a couple laughs or something because obviously I looked horrible. Sarcasm? I guess, I don't know. Her face turned serious and she changed the topic. I felt SO stupid and I do these things all  the time. 

I guess I said that because what they don't know is deep down, I don't feel like I am some hot babe or something. I have deep, dark mama circles under my eyes and since Onyx has been earth-side, I hardly even get to shower. I already knew I didn't "look very good" that day and even though she was commenting out of concern, it just hurt me. In turn I responded with a joke answer that is so incredibly not me because I thought, I dunno, they could read my mind? I thought we were all on the same page? I really don't think that at all. 

I wanted to hide.

In short, I am awkward. I babble. I try to impress people when I don't need too. I say stupid, insulting and careless things when I am nervous. It doesn't mean I am stupid, rude or careless. It means I haven't fully accepted that I need to be 100% myself around others because when I am, it always turns out okay. I want to be raw, I want to be open. I don't want to be a social chameleon. I want everyone who knows me to know the same person. I want to openly love God and Jesus and not care what people think about me. I want to sing and not worry that somebody thinks I am awful. I want to live where I live and do what I do free from worries of judgement. I want to openly be me.

And I am working on it.

Romans 12:6-7 

Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching.