Part 1: Before the nap.
I didn't know this entire week what I was going to blog about this Wednesday. I woke up (if that's what you want to call it) and got this idea. It stressed me out a wee bit going the whole week with no post idea, but to be honest with you I have a huge other stress that over rules all other stresses making them seem >tiny<. I can't sleep. I haven't slept for 7 months (of baby life) + 6 months (the last 6 of pregnancy) = 13 months or 1 year and 1 month with almost no sleep. I'm not going to lie to you, I am losing it.
Dear Universe, please grant me a freaky Friday.
Just for one day I would like to live Jared's life and he could live mine. Thank you.
Yesterday was a tough one with moonboy. We always have our great moments, even on bad days. We had some staring contests that made my heart melt. I love those little eyes. <3 At some point between the fussy fits in and out of the stroller my step-mom asked how the mobile life was going. That is going splendidly. I love watching him army crawl too and fro through the house. It's so wonderful to see him feel so accomplished. Teething though? Teething is HARD. It's like mom life level 99. Baby settings suddenly have changed from easy/medium to difficult. I looked up synonyms for difficult...
Synonyms: Back-breaker, burdensome, challenging, demanding, easier said than done, effortful, heavy, labored, not easy, strenuous, tough, trying, uphill, upstream and lastly, Herculean.
Antonyms: calm, easy, free, manageable, plain, simple, uncomplicated.
I miss those days,
and today I don't feel "Herculean".
I am going to be honest with you right now. Onyx has NEVER been a good sleeper and I have started catching myself lying about it to people when they ask how he is sleeping. "Oh he's a great sleeper! Sleeps like a rock!" Why? Why lie? Because it's my fault. I can't let him cry. I just can't mentally do that. I also can't because Jared works hard for our family and has to wake up at 4:30 am and I want him to get some sleep. So what do I do? I take him out of his bed to quiet him by whatever means necessary. Teething makes this horrible "system" 100,000 times worse. He is skipping naps throughout the day making him a mad, sad baby and then he wakes up every hour or more throughout the night.
This mama is tired guys. I am so tired of being tired. I know it wont be like this forever, but I can't remember what it's like to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time. I need sleep, even Hercules slept.
Yesterday I left Jared with Onyx so I could grab some quick groceries and I felt horrible leaving since Onyx had been so emotional and upset most of the day. I left explaining to Jared everything he might need or want when I was gone and where his food was, what dance he might want to do with him ect. I halfway expected a frantic call 20 minutes in telling me I needed to come back. ... I got home and Onyx was fast asleep snuggled into Jared's arms. Apparently he was a breeze when I was gone. My face dropped. I wanted to get back into that car and just keep driving. How is it so easy for him? Why is Onyx only having such a hard time with ME?
Part 2: After the nap.
Well as we can see, tired me is a little bit whinier than me who slept for a couple hours. You know what happened right after I wrote part 1? (Which I didn't intend to be in parts in the first place) Onyx woke up sobbing/mumbling "mama-mama-mama". So I plucked him from his bed. I prayed, "God, please help me with him today." I told him "We WILL sleep right now." and I nursed him letting myself fall asleep not caring that he was in our bed or what time I would wake up. I meant business.
Jared left me two invaluable gifts this morning. #1. He left me with his famous words floating around in my head. "Be. Here. Now." So I changed my attitude. #2. He left us the car and had his friend pick him up for work. It's like Christmas in my head right now. I am going to get dressed right when I am done with this post, get Onyx snazzied up and we are going anywhere to have a Mama-Baby mini vacation. I am stoked. That is what I will post about next week.
And you know what? I can do this. We have an exceptionally kind and smart baby. I'll just have to get a into system of things that work for us so we can sleep. Here is my prayer for this week,
"Amazing God, I push you away constantly, but I need you.
I know I do. Please help me remember you are always there for me,
for Onyx and for our family.
I ask for your guidance on motherhood since I feel so helpless today.
I know you would help us with anything if we only asked.
If you can create a universe, you can certainly help us sleep, to be better,
kinder people honoring you.
I thank you for Summer. I thank you for Spring, for the sky,
for clean water and a safe home.
Thank you for this day and I pray my actions honor you. "
PS. I really don't want to trade Jared. His job makes him wear thick clothes and gets him wet. That's my biggest phobia - getting stuck in wet clothes. ... I'd way rather be me. Plus, I wouldn't want the beard. Oh happy day. I'm glad I'm a stay-with-baby mom.